Happy Monday - looks at Psychiatrists

"A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing."
Joey Adams

"A psychiatrist is the next man you talk to after you start talking to yourself."
Fred Alien

"A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies-Bergere and looks at the audience."
Rt Revd Mervyn Stockwood

"A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is a person who collects the rent."
Jerome Lawrence

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One–but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Patient: “I can’t decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out.”
Psychiatrist: “You have difficulty making decisions?”

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test. After each ink blot the patient exclaims it is a couple copulating. The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.” And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

Welcome to the Psychiatric Helpline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.