Scriptor Senex’s Advice Line...

1. Never eat anything that moves.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. When your blood pressure goes up simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. (As recommended by my legal representative I wish to state categorically that this advice is not to be taken seriously, even in the USA!)

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, don’t bother with cough medicine, take a large dose of laxatives instead. Then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Don’t test the depth with both feet.

9. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

10. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Boil the kettle, put the spout to your lips and pour. The boiling water will melt the ice.... (As recommended by my legal representative I wish to state categorically that this advice is not to be taken seriously, even in the USA!)

11. Don’t take advice from a website or blog which recommends you do stupid things like take laxatives to stop a cough; cut yourself or pour boiling water down your throat.

12. If you woke up breathing, congratulate yourself! You’ve been given another chance.

13. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.