Saturday, 22 June 2013

Away (with the faeries)

I have been away.  I’m still away.  But I'm a bit less away than I was….

It seems to have been a very long time. I’m at least five years older than I was last month.  Earlier in June Partner-who-loves-tea took my body to Exeter for a week.  It spent most of the time lying in bed.   Meanwehile, my mind was away with the faeries.

It seems to havr been an endless revolving of pain and exhaustion.  Partner-who-loves-tea brought me home from Exeter.  I went back to bed.  I don’t know where my mind went.  I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and assume it was on its own and not shacked up in a sleazy hotel room somewhere with another lost mind.

On Wednesday my mind came back – at least for a few hours.   But somewhere along the paths it has travelled it has lost the memory of which tap is the hot and which the cold; who The Beatle was whose surname began with H (I tried watching a quiz!); what you call a stopcock (I remembered at the end of trying to explain the hot water system to P-w-l-t because we have two more plumbing problems); and, of course, all the other usual things disappeared like what day of the week it is; where I have put my wallet and what on earth my password is on postcrossing…..  Fortunately I had the password written down.  I know that is supposed to defeat the idea of passwords but how else is one to cope with severe and erratic memory loss. As for forgetting what a stopcock is called that was just one of hundreds of examples of me being able to picture what I wanted to say and not coming out with the words.  A favourite trick when I was younger was to think of the French word and I could then translate that back.  Within the space of three weeks I seem to have totally lost my ability to think in French.  If that doesn’t come back I shall be really peed off!  

A friend recently asked if it was better to be confused and know it or be confused and not know it.   I think I'm beginning to err towards the latter.

If you don’t want to be bored by further details – too much information you’ll probably think - finish here and come back in a month’s time…..

My appetite has disappeared.  I've never been a big eater but what I've had the last few weeks wouldn't keep a sparrow going.  One day, while in Exeter, Daughter-who-takes-photos made a lovely lasagne that managed to tempt me to eat a little and Son-who-watches-films has resumed his usual role of dinner provider for me.  Last night, for the first time I managed enough of his chicken in mushroom sauce - one of my top ten of his recipes - to make his efforts vaguely worthwhile. 


Meanwhile my body is rejecting the concept of standing up and when I raise it into an upright position it falls over quite a lot.  Left, right, forwards, backwards - it’s happy in any position except straight up.  For three weeks any form of action was like trying to move through tar.  That has now improved – it’s like trying to move through treacle. At least I can open one eye and raise my arms above my head – well, almost above my head. 

None of this helps the concept of decorating that we started weeks ago. (Can I borrow about ten rooms somewhere to store the stuff that is blocking hallways?)  I’m about as much use as fart in McLaren’s wind tunnel.  Actually that might benefit them this season!  (Aha - sense of humour is returning.)  And talking of rear ends…  the nerves that warn me when I need the loo are on strike.  We’ve had one ‘accident’ last week and a lot of near things.  It’s just about the final humiliation and I am not a happy bunny.

My e-mail inbox is full.  I am just starting to work my way through it. Cancel that.  I have seen how many there are and given up starting (if you can do such a thing).

I have received lots of lovely postcards that I haven’t acknowledged properly. At least P-w-l-t was kind enough - and with-it enough - to register the postcrossing ones for me.  

As for trying to look at the computer screen, it doesn’t just hurt my eyes it makes my whole world go round.  I hope you appreciate what this effort of rambling today is costing me!!  But if I can’t complain to you who can I complain to???  Apart from P-w-l-t, of course.  The words 'patience' and 'saint ' come to mind.

I suppose I could wait until next week when I have to go for a medical assessment for the Dept. of Work and Pensions.  Ho, ho, ho.  As the letter constantlky threatens, if I don’t go they stop all my benefits.  Assuming I still feel like this and am unable to go because I’m too ill it makes something of a mockery of the system.  Go and you are presumably fit to work so they can stop your benefits.  Don’t go and they stop your benefits.  Now it is the phrase 'Catch 22' that comes to mind.  See, I do have some mind left after all.  I’m not sure this was in Beveridge’s original plans for a welfare state!  Oh yes, as you may have guessed I’m pretty depressed at the moment as well.  

After another very hot sunny day I managed to water the garden last night (thank Heaven for GB’s hose reel!)  It urinated down all night.  

Ivy’s contribution to all this – fleas.  Fleas with bites that a Doberman would be proud of!  (Mulling it over in bed I had some lovely ideas for illustrating this sentence but can’t find the energy to look for the photo I need…)  Fortunately that seems to have been dealt with.  No cats were harmed in the making of this e-mail...

So my apologies if it is a little while before I get around to personal communication again.  Waiting for Mens sana in corpore sano (whose motto was that?) and consoling myself that I still have some Latin.  I just need an ancient Roman to chat to.

I wonder if I’ll feel better for getting all that off my chest or just guilty for boring you again?  Almost certainly the latter - assuming anyone actually bothers to read to the end.  I wouldn’t if I were you.  Go back to half way and pretend you just moved on to another blog….


  1. Oh dear, dear friend. I was afraid the news was going to be bad, but I didn't realise how bad. I do hope things improve for you, and soon. In the meantime, it's good to see that your sense of humour still exists. Wishing you well, and sending you many good vibes and good thoughts, with love, Carol and Rob

  2. CJ, I was so happy to see a post from you this morning....I have been worried about you, but GB assured me that you were feeling under the weather, and that you'd be okay.
    I read to the end of your post, and I'm sorry that you're still not back to your old self... I'm really hoping that you feel better soon.
    At least you've still got your sense of humour through it all.
    Please take care of YOU.

  3. As hard as it has been for you I am so relieved that you are still here and sharing your life with us. Hopefully you will rally enough to post again soon...we so miss you!

  4. And the older we get the harder it is to fight these things off. Hope at least your mind starts working, as to passwords, I write them all down and hide the book they're in.

  5. Oh John, it's good to see you posting again - and I'm sure I'm not the only one to have missed your rambles. Don't listen to bad fairies trying to twist your thoughts... You're not boring us, and you have clearly not lost your wit even if your memory has been on a little holiday. Never mind French, you still manage to make yourself understood in English! ♥

  6. Missed you, Scriptor.
    Good to have you back.

    Take care,
    xo McGregor

  7. John, I have wondered about you. I am sending healing intentions to you. Please hang in there and know that lots of people are wishing you well.

  8. Oh You! I am just so glad that you are at your computer again. I have really missed your postings. Thank you for the chuckles. Soooooo sorry that you have been so poorly. Hope you are soon back to your "normal" self. Love n a big, big hug x

  9. I refuse to move to another blog, and I did read to the end! I sure wish I could be of some help. I wish I could say hang in there, it will be better soon...and hopefully it will...but if not you have many friends in blog land that care and will send up many good thoughts and prayers for you. Friends like me! A hug to your lovely wife also...she is a gem!

  10. Miss hearing from you, and am wishing you get better with every passing second! Hugs.

  11. So very concerned to hear of the events going on in your life. Please keep writing. I always read to the very end. Does any one know what precipitates these episodes? I am praying for you (not just saying so but doing so). So glad you have partner-who-drinks-tea. Just do what you can when you can. I hope you can find a way to keep your spirits up. I know it boosts mind to see all those wild flowers from my childhood. Blessings.

  12. I could copy and paste all of the above comments, because they say just what I feel. Not much to add to that.
    Good job that we are NOT you, and have read your post to the end! (You said "I wouldn't if I were you".)

  13. It's good to see you back. You are doing found the book with the passwords in. I wish I could emulate your achievement.
    You need a dose of One Spot for the fleas.
    All the best for the coming weeks.

  14. Many thanks for all the abopve good wishes. I'm getting better each day, thanks. So, hopefully, I'll be back in earnest soon.

  15. I am so grateful that you are back. Hope you continue to get better with each passing day.

  16. Thank you for the postcard. Fingers crossed to have you back on email soon, xx

  17. I am glad that that you have made the effort to write and look forward to seeing you back to your usual self. I am truly sorry for your tribulations. To me you sound extraordinarily patient and accepting of some very unpleasant stuff indeed. Of course I read to the very end - I always do, on your interesting blog.
    I have not, however been receiving updates on my reader. Oh bother, back to stupid old blogger. (Not stupid old me, you note). I must sort this out, I think it happened before.

    Good luck with the disgraceful medical tribunal. One wonders, after the several documentary programmes on this, whether it is possible to shame the government enough to do something about somethng which is clearly unfair and I would almost go so far as to say barely honest.

  18. Catch 22, or between a rock and a hard frustrating. I'm glad to hear from you!!! Yes, your sense of humor is still in tact! Sending you hugs and big wishes for good health!

  19. Oh dear, I did wonder if you might have been under the weather. It wasn't like you to go so long without doing a post.
    Take care of yourself, that is the first thing.
    Second thing, don't worry about any of your emails or this blog or anything else for that matter.
    Now, get better! xx

  20. I am sure it must help to get it off your chest as they say. It must be very frustrating when going into a difficult time after a time of feeling better. Your humour is appreciated.


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